In limbo STILL

Being a generalist is hard. I wish I leaned one way or another because that would force me into a certain direction. So, I don't know if I want to be with my boyfriend of five years, so does that mean I should leave and find someone I really want to be with?

I did leave.

He went clubbing in Omaha one weekend with a friend and during that time I jumped in my little car packed with my belongings and headed back to Colorado. I wasn't sure if I would stay in Colorado or not so I just took everything I owned from our apartment. After driving seven hours I got to Lodo where I celebrated Devon's birthday with her until 2 am. It wasn't awkward at all seeing her again after years apart. Lucky Devon gets to go to law school in California now. Seeing Devon kept my mind off Gary for a couple hours until I had to drive to Pueblo. Driving to Pueblo is best at night when you can't really see the landscape change from green to thirsty yellow. Ick! Luckily I went from one friend to another. Instead of going straight home and alarming my mother in the middle of the night, I went to a party at which my best friend Toni was. She, darling little thing, was ecstatic to see me and very emotionally supportive; it must have been one of her good days. We've known each other so long that she finds it hard to be tactful and supportive around me all the time.

The next morning it was my mom's birthday. I made her cry and for that I was pleased. Of course, she cried tears of joy that I had suprised her on her birthday. Party after party, distraction after distraction. And then nothing. Nothing but questions for myself, my mother, and other friends. "Oh, you are in town? How long are you staying?" Such an awkward question because I can't answer them. Unfortunately, I always feel the need to give detailed answers so they become my wailing wall. What they think is a level one question gets them a level five response.

So, I'll tell you the same thing. I don't know how long I am staying in Pueblo. I may stay for a couple of months or a year until I am in graduate school at the University of British Columbia. Gary keeps begging me to go back and is very upset about it all but my heart is hardening to his crying. I do miss him, but I keep telling myself to stay in Pueblo and rewire my neural pathways, get over my addiction.

While I am here I have applied for library positions and have been rejected within four days via a letter in the mail. There is no way that they actually went through the correct hiring process. They must have had someone in mind prior to opening the position up to the public. Stupid Pueblo and its backwards system of nepotism. Other than that I hope to get work from a temp agency.

I've been going to water aerobics, where I met a girl named Jamie--a nanny who is going to Mexico soon and needs a workout partner. She and I do pilates and walk together everyday. Other than that I spend a lot of time on the internet and talking to friends.

My connection to Iceland: I met a guy named Oddi while I was studying in Germany. We were attracted to each other but I decided it was futile to like a guy from Iceland because we would never be together. For the past year things have intensified and now that I am away from Gary there is talk of flying to Iceland. I'm trying to learn Icelandic and watching several Icelandic films. Is this just escapism? Do I actually like him or am I just interested in him because he lives on a faultline in the middle of the Atlantic where they speak the same language as the Vikings and even their horses run differently? Am I trying to place myself in the arms of a foreigner whom lives in a land so different that I will feel like I successfully escaped my life? Who knows, so I continue to talk to him to test this theory. I hope he doesn't get hurt. At least I am learning a lot about Iceland, which has to be interesting dinner conversation.

Now that you have the big picture I will talk about the trivial details in my life.

HA! This past weekend my mother, her Romanian friend, and I traveled to Sylvan Lake, Colorado. It is in the vicinity of Eagle, CO which is thirty miles West of Vail. Sylvan Lake would host the Romanian American Freedom Alliance camping weekend. On our way there we stopped in Vail and loved the little village atmosphere. At the lake my mother had a good time talking and grilling with the Romanians around the campfire. Funny how nationality bonds people far removed from their country so much that they can go camping with strangers and feel invited. On our way home we were at a stand still on I-70 Eastbound because all the idiots were stopping to examine a rockslide on the Westbound lanes. Those poor Westbound suckers were really trapped, waiting for the crews to clean up the rockslide.